


Hope

by imamotherfuckingstarlord



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader Insert, Supernatural - Freeform, twisted&dark!cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-07 05:17:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7702192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imamotherfuckingstarlord/pseuds/imamotherfuckingstarlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Driving on the road, a cigarette pressed between your lips, the ac blasted, along with the music of the Descendents. You drove fast, you drove onward, away from the bunker. Away from the damn Winchesters. Tears threatened to escape, but you willed yourself. Fucking begged yourself, to not be weak. Not now. You only had one thing on your mind. The fallen angel with the sad blue eyes. You needed to find him. Slamming your hands against the steering wheel, you inhale the tobacco, letting it fill your lungs. And one thing is certain, if you can’t find him. If you can’t get to him, before someone else does. If you can’t get to him and tell him you love him. Tell him that it didn’t matter if  his grace was gone, that the two of you could disappear. Fall off the face of the earth and be together. If you didn’t get that chance. You were going to kill Dean Winchester. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Dark&Twisted! Cas x Reader

_Driving on the road, a cigarette pressed between your lips, the ac blasted, along with the music of the Descendents. You drove fast, you drove onward, away from the bunker. Away from the damn Winchesters. Tears threatened to escape, but you willed yourself. Fucking begged yourself, to not be weak. Not now. You only had one thing on your mind. The fallen angel with the sad blue eyes. You needed to find him. Slamming your hands against the steering wheel, you inhale the tobacco, letting it fill your lungs. And one thing is certain, if you can’t find him. If you can’t get to him, before someone else does. If you can’t get to him and tell him you love him. Tell him that it didn’t matter if his grace was gone, that the two of you could disappear. Fall off the face of the earth and be together. If you didn’t get that chance. You were going to kill Dean Winchester._

The music buzzed in your ears, the words of the song, came out in a scream , flowing out of your mouth. Nothing but the road ahead of you. The road was your best friend, has been the constant in your life since you were 8 years old. When your mother had died of cancer, your Dad did not have the heart to leave you with relatives, when he had to go on a hunt. You had looked at him, determination in your small pupils, “ Dad, I’m going to be hunter one day” He smiled kindly at you, “I know, my little warrior.” He took you in his arms and for the next 15 years, he trained you. He was a kind man, but a tough teacher, making the best hunter you could be. Fighting along side him for years, until he passed too. Leaving you alone. An orphan in the world, until one day, you met the Winchesters. You both were on the same case, two fresh faced boys back then, you laughed at their fake FBI badges, telling them they were too young looking for the Feds. Dean was cocky back then, always flashing that damn smile. But Sam, he was sweet , the two of you became best friends fast, nearly the same age, it was easier for the two of you. But after years traveling with them, Dean softened up, letting you into his little world. You went along the ride, going through everything with the boys, nearly dying plenty of times, but in the end, the three of you walked away. Damaged a little more each time, sure, but you walked away. The three of you gradually turned into a family unit, filling the whole in your heart that was empty.

So waking up that morning, to the news Dean had kicked out Cas, you lost your shit. “Dean, how could you do that to Cas?” You eyes threatened to tear up, because the man in front of you, was one you couldn’t recognize. Searching frantically within those hazy green eyes, that would not even meet your own, it was a blind betrayal. “Where’s Sammy, Dean? He doesn’t know, does he?” Vile filled your throat, betrayal was a nifty motherfucker, it hit you deep in the pit of your stomach. The older brother, you had grown to love over the years, just stood there, staring at the ground. “Dean!” Pleading sounded so disgusting coming from you. You were stronger than this. But when it came to the fallen angel, he was truly your weakness, your downfall. “You sent him out there, alone, without his grace!” Nothing from the other end. “Dammit Dean!” You lunged forward, shaking his shoulders, gripping them tightly with your strong hands. But no response. For a solid five minutes, you stood there, hands gripped to Dean, staring into his forehead.  
Until he finally looked up, pain in his eyes, “I need to keep Sam safe. Cas is a walking target, angels, demons, they all want him.” Dean’s words made you flinch away from him. It always came to that. Always the same damn reason. You loved Sam and Dean, they were your family. But so was Cas, has been for many years now. He deserved better. Standing there, fists gripped tight, you listen to Dean explain himself. An angel Gadreel was inside Sam, who was weaken from the trials, with every single word that came from the hunter, pieces were being put together. Everything was coming to light, “So when I went out to bring Cas back home, after that little asshole stole his grace, you were making deals with angels?” Just a nod was all you got. “Sammy, doesn’t know, does he?” Silence. Fury was building up inside you, until it was unbearable. Shoving Dean with every ounce of anger, he fumbles back, catching himself from falling. “Fuck Dean. It’s always the same thing, isn’t? Save Sam. Save Dean.” 

Bitterness, that you weren’t sure where it came from, snarled out of you. “What about the rest of us? All these years, loyal like fuckin’ dogs to you. And this is what it gets us?” Dean’s body froze, his eyes locked to yours. “I went to hell. Literal hell with you. I saw the things you did, I still remember, you know why?” He knew, it haunted him in his dreams. “Because I was right by your side Dean, wasn’t I? Right next to you. You and me, baby, Alastair’s little pets. All to save Sammy.” The words poured out of you, full of some kind of hate and sadness, wanting to stop, but Dean took something from you. Castiel. It was the one thing, he knew, the one thing that would kill you. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d do it all over again, because I love you both. But this? I will never forgive you, Dean.” The older Winchester couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, because he knew the damage was done. You turn to walk away, to gather the things you need, for the trip, but a warning needed to be said, “ And Dean, if anything has happened to Castiel, it’s on you. Another one to add to your list.” Those last words hurt both Dean and you, neither knowing if it was worse for the other.

It had been a few weeks of driving, but you finally arrived. Sam and Dean had all these secrets among themselves, hidden hideouts, just in case. So when Castiel brought both Dean and you back from hell, over the years, the two of eventually grew close. It had felt nice to have someone, especially, because no matter how close you were to the Winchesters, the bound that was set between them, it never allowed you to fully immerse with them. After years being alongside Cas, the two of you found a few secret hide outs, around the country. And when things go to hectic, too chaotic, the two of you would slip away, zapping to which ever location was most desirable. A bout of relaxation, calmness, to recharge for whatever the Winchesters had planned next. The past few weeks consisted of traveling to each location, hoping to find the fallen angel, a clue to where he had gone to. But nothing, this place was your last bet.

Driving alongside the woods, you look out for the turn. A small, blink and you miss it turn, a road that lead to a small abandoned cabin. The trees camouflage the entrance, but you remembered where it was, making the turn. The narrow road was surrounded by trees, lowering the volume of the radio, you drive slowly. It’s a good two miles in before reaching the small cabin, but there it is. Old, but in decent condition, a small black car is parked in front. Heart beating, you hope it’s Cas. You pull over, parking in front of the cabin. Turning the car off, you sit for a moment. Trying to catch up to your heart. It was tugging for the fallen angel, wanting to make sure he was safe. Finally, you get out of the car, but not without your gun. Closing the car door, making your way to the front door of the cabin, it opens before you have the chance to knock.

And there he stood. Without his trench coat, instead wearing jeans and a black faded AC/DC shirt. His brown hair disheveled , scruff alongside his jaw and those deeper than the ocean, blue eyes. Something comes over you, the sight of him. Of him alive. Lunging forward, throwing you arms around his neck, “Cas, god. Cas” Whimpering into his neck, you feel his arms tighten around you. Holding on for a minute, before pulling back to look at his face. A small beautiful smile graced his face, making you lose all ability to hold back. Your eyes scan his face, not sure if he would object, but almost not caring. You bring his head down to you, pressing your lips to his. It was the first time the two of you kiss. Castiel doesn’t hesitate in kissing back, instead he runs his hand through your hair with one hand, moving your body closer to his, with the other. It was everything you ever wanted. You had loved him deeply for so many years. Never leaving his side, even when he jumped off the deep end. You fought to get him back, helped him come back. And when he did come back, you told him he mattered, that he deserved better. And throughout all those time, you harbored the love you felt for the angel, because he needed a friend. But now, maybe it was time for love. Standing there, lips against his, the warm taste of him, maybe it was time. But then it all came crashing down, as you pulled away from him, to tell him you wanted to stay with him. Because, you watched in horror, as his beautiful blue eyes, blinked into total blackness.


	2. I Know A Place

It was at that moment, Castiel’s lips held a presence on your lips, even though your bodies were feet apart. In that moment, your world came crumbling down. Instant heartbreak. Fear that your friend, the man you secretly loved all these years, was a demon, was a monster. Stumbling backward, voice trembling, “What did you do with Cas!” Gripping the gun that was tucked in the back of your jeans, pulling it out and pointing to the black eyed man in front of you. This version of Castiel frowned, quickly blinking, his blue eyes stare back at you, “ I can explain, Y/N.” But his words gave no comfort, as you back further towards the door, slipping you arm behind your back to turn the knob. A gust of wind came through the entrance, pushing your hair forward. Gun still pointed at the fallen angel, who stood there hands out, forward towards you. Then you ran. 

Ran fast to your car, fumbling for your keys. Freeing them from your pocket and clicking the unlock button, then the button to pop open the trunk. Looking towards the cabin entrance, Castiel just stood there. Every damn hunter instinct in your body told you to just leave, to run and never look back. or worse to end the man you loved. But you fought those feelings down, fought them with every inner strength you possessed. Searching your duffel bag, grabbing the holy water, silver knife and the angel blade Cas had left at the bunker. Fighting back the burst of tears, that were edging their way out. Stay strong! Those words screaming, pounding inside your mind. It was like being in hell all over again. Cautiously, walking towards the cabin, staying feet from Castiel, he tries to come towards you, “I can explain, just-” holy water splashes across his face. Cas let’s out a chuckle, the sound is so familiar, it’s almost comforting. A smile threatens your face, but you move closer instead. Watching the man wipe his face with his shirt, exposing his chest, your body betrays you, so you look away. “So you’re not a demon, fine.” You hold the two blades in your hands, motioning for Cas to hold out his arm, he signs but does it. Hesitating for a mere moment, before you can draw the blade along his skin, nothing. Your hands tremble, eyes moving up to Castiel’s face. He gives you a small smile, the same damn one he’s given you a million times. It’s his comfort smile, the one he uses to show concern. Losing your grip on the two blades, the sound of metal hitting the ground makes you jump. It really was Castiel. 

But those black eyes. Your chin trembles, trying to hold back tears, because something was not right. “I passed all the tests, see. Come inside.” Castiel moves aside, waiting for you. Everything your father taught you , yelled for you to leave, to go back to the bunker and come back with the Winchesters. But just the thought of even seeing Dean, especially after witnessing Castiel with those black eyes, you were sure you’d kill the man. Reaching down for the blades, you walk into the cabin. Getting a better look around the cabin, it was in shambles. “Does this place still have running water?” The question comes out filled with concern that you don’t bother to hide. Castiel shakes his head no, leaving the front door open, and leaning against the door frame. You knew he was keeping his distance, so you sat down at the little table in the center of the room. The sun shined behind him, illuminating his figure. “This is not the way to live Cas. Have you been eating?” The tone of your voice comes out angry, but still filled with concern, causing Castiel to smirk to himself. “I’m managing.” His short answers were infuriating, so you stand up and stride over to him, leaving a small distance between the two of you. His eyes squint a little, waiting for you to talk. His hands are crossed over his chest, it pisses you off, the way he seems so nonchalant about the whole damn situation. “What the hell is going on Cas? Your eyes went full on demon.” Searching the fallen angel’s face for a hint, a clue of what was going on in his head, you’re met with a shrug. A fucking shrug.

Something inside you snaps, because your arms are moving before you can think. Pushing as hard as you can, sending Castiel stumbling back, nearly falling to the ground. “I need answers Cas and I need them now!” You turn around, going back inside to grab the two blades you left on the table, tucking the silver knife in your back pocket and keeping the angel blade. Castiel is still standing outside, his eyes follow your every movement. The angel blade shimmers in the sun light, the reflection hits Castiel’s face. “What is there to tell? I’m a fallen angel. How hard is that to understand?” The snark coming from his mouth makes you falter in your steps, tightening the grip on the blade, trying to control all the emotions you felt. When you don’t speak, he continues, “I’ve fallen one too many times.” Motioning his hand around his body, “This is the end result. I’m darker now.” He was darker now? Your brain tries to comprehend what that meant, was he still the same Cas or was he completely off the deep end. And the black eyes. “So what, you’re on the dark side now? What about the eyes?” Castiel let out a huff , rolling his eyes ,walking towards you. “It’s just part of the deal. I’m not a demon, we established that already. I’m the same Castiel, just darker and a little twisted.” 

You shut your eyes, practically begging yourself to not be weak. To not let any tears bypass, to suck it up. But when you open them back up, black eyes are inches from you. Instinctively, the angel blade is held up, pointing right at Castiel’s neck. “Don’t Cas, don’t make me do it.” You lose the battle over the nagging emotions that filled your heart, a tear runs down your face. Castiel laughs, grabbing the blade with his hand, pulling it down from his neck. “You’re not going to hurt me. I know you so well, Y/N. You love me.” A sharp intake of air has you stumbling back, letting the blade fall to your side. He was positively right. You could never hurt the man that held your damn heart. The man who spend so much time with you, who was always by your side. The man who brought you back from hell. Moving back until you can feel the wall of the cabin against your back, letting the angel blade slip out of your hand. You watch through teary eyes as the fallen angel you loved so desperately, made his way to you. Hanging your head low, tears fall to the ground. Feeling completely undone, not being able to decipher between the feeling of want and need. What if he had been a demon, could you have killed him then? Your lips quiver as it held back a sob, because the answer was no. Castiel was your biggest weakness, your Achilles Heel. In a way, he was your Sam. So maybe that made you Dean. The thought sickens you, because you would have never done what Dean did. You would have never let someone who you loved leave, especially when that person was in danger. Family was suppose to protect each other. 

You realized in that moment, no matter what version of Cas was present, you had to save him. You had to protect him. The warmth from a hand pulls your chin up, blinking to clear your eyes, blue eyes stared right into you. The Cas you loved was in there, you knew that much. You hoped for that much. “You know I would never hurt you, right? You know I love you too, is it not that obvious?” His deep voice has an ease to it, unlike the usual uncertainty you were use to. He wiped the tears from your face and let go of your chin, setting his hand on your waist. “ If you love me, why did you leave without me?” choking out the words, tears fight their way out. For the first time since you got to the cabin, Castiel is taken aback. His body lingers inches from yours, his hand rested over your head and against the wall. His eyes scan your face, “ Dean wanted me out. I knew you’d be safe at the bunker. And when I left, the darkness started to build up inside me. I had finally lost the thing I wanted the most, the one thing that was keeping me balanced. Keeping me from truly being an fallen angel. I had lost you.” Your shoulders shake into a sob, not caring anymore at how weak you felt. You were hoping to find Cas at the cabin, maybe a little worn down, but all the same. You had planned to tell him that you loved him and that it was time to go. That the two of you could go anywhere and start all over. The circumstances were different now. But one thing remained the same, your feelings for the man. Wiping the tears away, you steady your eyes to Castiel’s gaze, “Grab your things, we’re getting the hell out of here, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Song Inspiration: Good, Good Things by the Descendents
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0wqItk-mwo


	3. Tell Me All The Things

It had been a few weeks since Cas had left with you, leaving the cabin far behind. The two of had driven off in your car and left the stolen black Honda parked in the driveway. The music blasted along with the air condition and filled the car loudly as the lyrics roared out of the speakers.  
   
 _My silly girl, I'm beggin' you. Tell me all the things that I want to hear. My silly girl, I'm in love with you_  
   
You sped down the empty road, not sure of where to head to next. You had started moving your head to the song, fully aware that the man next to you was watching you. But his stares were familiar, even if he was not the same; it was still Cas. 

_I had to run to catch you. You always moved so fast. With your cute little smile and your silly laugh,God gave me love at last._  
   
“What is this?” Castiel questioned as he peered forward to read the iPod hooked up to the radio.  
Staring at the road, you tapped on the iPod “The Descendents. The most underrated punk band that ever existed.”  
From the corner of your eye, you saw Cas move his head along with the music “I like it,” he exclaimed, turning the volume knob up. The two of you rode in silence for the next 30 minutes, enjoying the music before pulling into a diner next to a motel. Your mind wandered to Sam and Dean and all of the countless motels and diners the three of you had been to over the last 8 years. You nearly smiled when you realized why you were even pulling up to this diner in the first place; Dean. You clutched the steering wheel as you pulled into a parking spot and turned the car off before turning to your less than angelic passenger.  
“Hungry? There's a lot for you to catch up on, plus we have to figure out where we’re going next.”  
The blue eyed man grinned at you, “Or we could check into that motel and work up an even bigger appetite.”  
Your eyes widened and your mouth gaped open as you snorted, smacking Cas on the shoulder, “Oh, you're definitely not the same Cas. Come on, let's go eat, before I'm tempted.”   
Castiel watched you get out of the car and stretch your arms over your head as you walked toward the entrance. He could feel the darkness living in him, wanting to take control, and he had only a limited amount of hope left. The fallen angel wanted to go back to the way that he was, wanted to start over with you; go somewhere far away and never look back.   
You waved to get his attention, telling him to hurry as you walked toward the diner. Castiel got out of the car and followed your steps, smiling as you extended your hand to him. He took it, knowing somewhere deep inside that you truly were his only hope.  
..........  
 Now you leaned against the wall, your eyes following Castiel's every step. A demon blade in his hands as he circled the man tied to the chair. Your mouth was dry, swollen because the bastard had gotten a good punch in before Cas took him down. The demon had been hot on your trail for weeks before Cas and you even realized it. The two of you had devised a plan to trap the demon in the motel room, setting up a devil's trap and making it obvious the two of you were still there. It worked perfectly, beside the whole punch to your face part.  
“Why were you following us?” Castiel's deep voice practically growled at the demon who flinched cowardly, but said nothing.  
“Oh, I see. You're not going to talk.” An almost sadistic smile appeared on Cas' face as he leaned forward, pressing the demon blade against the man's neck.  
“I guess I'll just have to make you.”  
An anxious feeling blanketed over you as you watched Cas draw a large gash across the demon's throat with the knife. A wave of confusion held you in place, torn between knowing this demon deserved everything that was coming to him and having everything feel wrong because this was not Cas. He never took pleasure in killing; not like this. “Cas,” you warned, but he ignored you, bringing his mouth down to the demon's ear.  
“It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to kill you because you made one fatal mistake.”  
The demon cried out in pain as Castiel slowly tore through the skin of his stomach, “Do you think I was going to let you get away with laying your hands on her?” Cas pointed in your direction, his eyes still burning into the demon, “Not her,” he barked, giving the blade one last push as the demon's head hung low, a flash of red filled his eye sockets .  
Watching Cas' back relax, your heart raced as he turned around with a weak smile and black eyes. You held back the gasp screaming to be released, because those eyes caught you off guard every time. He tossed the blade on the bed and made his way to you.  
“Cas, your eyes. Come here,” your voice was low, trying your best not to tremble as your arms opened up, letting him move into your embrace. His head rested in the crook of your neck as you kicked yourself for letting it go too far. You should have taken the lead from the start, but after the blow to your face, Cas was hell bent on killing the demon.   
Cas' breath on your neck slowed down, but his grip tightened around your waist. You gently ran your hand over the back of his head, his hair soft between your fingers. “It's going to be okay Castiel. I'm here, you will never be alone. I will never leave you.” The reassuring words were sweet to the fallen angel's ears as he moved his mouth from your neck to against your lips. The little fear you held slipped away with each kiss because this was Cas. As long as you remembered that, everything would be fine. His limber fingers slipped under your shirt, but you pushed them away. “There's a dead demon two feet from us. We need to get rid of the body,” you muttered, laying a small peck on his lips before you moved off the wall and passed him. But Cas grabbed you by the shoulders and pulled you into a hug, “Fine. I'll get rid of the body. You need ice for your eye,” his eyes looked worried and for a split second it was the old Cas you were looking at.  
“I'm sorry he got to you. It was my fault. But he got what he deserved.”

His hand gently cradled your face and his lips pursed into a small smile before he let go. He grabbed the demon blade off the bed and tucked it inside his jacket as you left the room with the ice bucket. The air was cold and crisp as your mind wandered off again to the Winchesters. A nagging feeling inside made you want to call the boys and let them know what was happening. But what for? It was now clearer than ever; the Winchesters only looked out for themselves. It was always going to be just Sam and Dean, as much as that pained you. All those years thinking you and Cas were a part of their family; especially after everything you'd done for the two of them. All the things you had done, awful things at times. But as you filled the bucket with ice, bringing a single ice cube to your eye; you winced but not because of the pain of the punch. You winced because the truth had finally dawned on you. The Winchesters never cared about you and they sure as hell didn't care about Castiel. You and Cas were on your own.  
Walking back into the motel room, Cas was leaned up against your car, hands folded across his chest. Your eyes wandered to the motel room and then to those blue eyes. “Are we not staying the night?” you asked slowly, stepping in front of him.

“Everything's taken care of, it's time to leave. I'll drive, you rest.” There was no room for arguing, which was fine since your head was pounding. The two of you got into the car and Cas turned the key into the ignition starting up the music blasting from the radio. You whined because of the volume and Cas laughed as he turned the volume down for you.  
“Where to Cas?” Leaning back into the seat, your hand moved over to his face. The fallen angel smirked as he gave your hand a kiss before he adjusted in his seat. He sighed, staring off into the night, before turning to you with a shrug, “Wherever we want.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the first chapter!


End file.
